What Did You Just Say!?

It's only Tuesday, and this week has already been full of epic fail.

So I started this block off not going to class unless it's mandatory. And of course I miss an epic elitist comment from none other than Officer Helga at the healthcare discussion lunch. The lunch was lead by the dean of the medical school, and was to discuss the whole right vs. priviledge attitude toward healthcare. Well, naturally, Officer Helga couldn't keep her mouth shut and her opinions to herself and proceeded to inform not only the dean, but everyone at the luncheon, that a CEO of a company deserves better healthcare than a waitress because the waitress doesn't work hard. Yes, you heard me correctly. Waitresses don't work hard, and therefore don't deserve the same coverage as the CEO of some large company. Granted, this is all secondhand information since I personally wasn't present at said luncheon. But OH! I wish I had been there! Needless to say, the story continues with quite the uprising and rucus of the entire appauled student body. So, she has branded herself an outspoken, socially inept elitist. Must be nice to have that type of reputation following you into third year rotations. And the BEST part of it all: she doesn't see it as a problem! In fact, it's all of US who are wrong. Lucky for her, she'll be entering a military residency program, so her dean's letter won't mean much in terms of her future career. Why, oh why do I miss out on the good stuff?

I went to pharmacology today, because we were supposed to be getting some assignment. I thought it would be some little online quiz or something to complete before small groups or something like that. But noooooooooooo. They had to give us ANOTHER group assignment on top of the assignment that has been posted at the beginning of the year. And, they assign the group and I get stuck with the biggest group of supreme type A's in the class. This is due sometime in November, and we have to read a case report, then as a group come up with 2 USMLE style questions. Then, we have to give reasoning as to why the right answer is right, and all the others are wrong. It's supposed to "help" us in preparing for the Step. Well, I think it's f*$#!ing b@!&*s%$#! and I personally think that the best way to prepare for the step is for you to f%#@ing stop giving me busy work and let me f%$@!ing study!!!! I seriously have a problem with these people and their stupid projects. I'm not a graduate student. I most likely will never make tests, and if I did, they won't be ridiculous. I'm not a member of the USMLE Step 1 board of question writers. I am a MEDICAL STUDENT who is studying to be a DOCTOR and I don't see how ANY of this is preparing me to take the Step and become a GOOD DOCTOR! If anything, this is just unnecessarily increasing my stress levels. Epic, EPIC fail.

If that wasn't enough, there was a food crisis today for the pathology interest group. The lady that told me last time that she had no problem ordering the food for us, decided today that she wasn't going to order the food after all. And left it up to the VP to do it. Which, she's on medicine and doesn't get a break until around 1 or 2 pm. So I was running around trying to make sure there will actually be food at the meeting tomorrow. Luckily, the lady decided that she'll order the food after all. And from what she told me today she'll go ahead and order food from now on for simplicity. But for some odd reason, I don't believe it. But by that point in the day, I was near breaking. I still had to go to WalMart and get cokes and cups because the path department refuses to spend money on drinks. Ugh.

So, the good thing about today is that I got a haircut. It's happy. I'm excited about it. I'm going to go help out a friend because I flaked on her last night. instead of helping her on her grant like I said I would, I got drunk with a bunch of friends instead. It was completely out of character for me, and I typically don't go back on my word. I really feel bad about the entire situation, and intend on getting it done and making it up to her.

So, that has been the epic fail of the past two whole days. I hope it's not a theme for the rest of the week. I've actually been kinda down on myself lately. Getting into a funk and I'm not too happy about it.

Let's hope everyone makes it to Friday. Peace out.
K

Sorry, I must have misplaced my common sense

So I'm sitting in bed just listening to music and wishing that I could call up Mr. Graphic Designer to hang out. And it just hit me like a ton of freaking bricks. Just like that. Good job, Med Student. Freaking perfect. All the things I have said, all the things that have happened over the years, and the things that our strangely hung friend revealed to me. Unfortunately, I don't know how to fix the situation. Or if it's even fixable. I am a horrible person. Not to mention bad friend, but before that a bad person. Ugh.

My heart just broke a little. And that's always a bad feeling. I just hope to God for some reason I'm wrong. I really do. Because I don't know if I could live with myself otherwise.

I know, two posts within two days. I just had to put it down to make myself realize how horrible of a person I've been in the past 2 years. How oblivious and horrible. Christ. Call it my little online confession. Looks like it's going to be a bad day after all.

Class=fail

So block 2 is officially over. I realized that I do in fact score lower on tests when I go to class. I went to more classes this block, and on average scored 5 points less on my tests. So, since I'm supposed to be smart and all that, I'm not going to class at all next block unless it's mandatory. I seem to learn much much better on my own.

It's finally cooling off and it's great. I need to clean my room because it looks like a disaster zone, and then I need to pull all of my winter clothes down so I can start wearing all of that stuff. Dr. Pathologist almost came this weekend, which would have been great. I guess he decided against it though. We're doing GI and Derm path next block, so I'm really tempted to go out and see him and his brother since Dr. Pathologist is a GI specialist and Dr. Pathologist's brother is a Derm path specialist. We'll see how all that goes.

Today I plan on cleaning hardcore. I'm also going to the free clinic to volunteer. I really enjoy my time at the free clinic. I didn't really think I would. Although, I always have to find a friend to go with because it's in the GHETTO and I'm scared to be in that neighborhood by myself. I also need to start studying for the Step, I guess I'll have to make out a schedule to start doing that. I also want to get back into running. I've been good about doing gym, but I think I really want to take up hitting the pavement again. Hopefully with not going to class I can make the most of my time, and will be able to go running instead of being too wiped from class and then spending too much time teaching myself after hours.

Christmas has already made an appearance at my house. My mother has an unhealthy obsession with the holiday. And everything in the house makes noise or chimes or sings or lights up and it's like I'm living in hell. Although, I'll only have to deal with it another 2 times after this, so it's not that big of a deal. All I know is that when I'm on my own, it'll take me all of 30 minutes to set up a fake tree and put a wreath on my door. Bah humbug.

I believe that's all for today. I didn't do jack last week except try to hopelessly cram information in my head. Just to get screwed over in the end. The tests were ridiculous, and the teaching was some of the crappiest I've ever been exposed to. Even the buzzwords on pathology didn't work. They'd put all the stuff I knew in the question, and then ask some obscure receptor signaling question that no one knew. Bleh. It's just so frustrating because you just never know how they'll ask questions on the test. You can do all of the old tests, and they are just so straightforward. And then you open up the test and it's all this bullshit like "where was the first transposon discovered" and "what is the signaling mechanism of myeloproliferative disorder". UGH! I just want to make it through step and make it to third year. It'll be better once all of this classroom lecture bullshit is over. When all I take are boards. Because they don't ask that type of crap very often. Maybe a couple of questions, instead of the entire test. I'll make them all my bitch next block. HA!

Cheers.
K

Our Secret Motives

So, I know I have tests starting a week from today, but I just had to post this because I feel that it will get some of it out of my head so I can focus.

One of my friends recently started dating a long ago friend and ex of mine. No, I'm not upset. Which is what everyone has asked. Honestly, I couldn't be happier for them. All I have ever wanted for any of my friends and even ex's is happiness. What weirds me out is that...well, it's those two dating each other. From my knowledge they have been friends for a long time, and what I had been told each of them considered the other on the level of a sibling. Practically one of those people you could just never date because you couldn't get around the awkward. My brain just can't wrap around the idea. If I try to think about it, it's like my brain flashes some blue screen of death and I immediately start thinking about puppies. It's rather odd. I don't know how long it will take me before I will be able to not shut down to the idea. Happy for them, yes. Comprehend how this happened? No.

Which made my mind trail into another thought. They were friends for a long time. Does that mean that there is a hidden agenda behind every guy/girl friendship? Does it mean that every friendship I have had with a guy has had a secret motive behind it of possibly dating or getting into my pants one day? Or can a guy and a girl just have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company on a completely platonic level?

I started analyzing past friendships I had with guys. Several did end up with what can politely be referred to as friends with benefits. Some I have kept on strict friend level for years. There are the exceptions. Like they never call or hang out or want to talk to me unless they're single. Or the ones that always were trying to get with me and I was just too oblivious to notice. Or the one that I can't shake the feeling that he keeps his distance now because he thought I was in love with him when I was really talking about someone else.

I don't have the answer. Maybe it exists on a person to person basis. Maybe what makes us friends in the first place is that instant attraction that eventually turns into friendship once a relationship failed to begin. Whatever the case, I guess no one can really say if there is a secret motive behind the friendship or not. I suppose the best way is to just be upfront with each other, and ask if they want or have considered more. Maybe you'll get an honest answer. Maybe not. And maybe the friendship will be solid enough that if you are split on the issue, that it can still prevail if one person feels different from the other. Or, in the best case scenerio, telling them that you have always felt a spark can lead you to the most amazing relationship. Friendships are based on love. Be it platonic love, or romantic love...love is always there. I love all my friends. Some more than others, and sometimes even in a different way. Love is still the foundation as to why I hold them to be such precious members of my life. Maybe one day I can confront some of these questions myself. Grow some nuts and just have that awkward conversation just to know.

On a RANDOM note, I had no idea that Flyleaf was a christian band. Who would have known? Ok, Mr. Graphic designer...you probably did. Although, you fully realize that I'm retarded. :) Although, I do have you to thank for introducing me to Flyleaf. Whenever I hear one of their songs, I think of you. Miss you!

Flyleaf, All around me
My hands are searching for you
My arms are outstretched towards you
I feel you on my fingertips
My tongue dances behind my lips for you

This fire rising through my being
Burning I'm not used to seeing you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

My hands float up above me
And you whisper you love me
And I begin to fade
Into our secret place

The music makes me sway
The angels singing say we are alone with you
I am alone and they are too with you

I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

And so I cry
The light is white
And I see you

I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healing

Take my hand
I give it to you
Now you owe me
All I am
You said you would never leave me
I believe you
I believe

I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed

One, Two, Three...PANIC!

Okay, sooo....I have one more week to cram all of the material that I have ignored for the past 4 weeks into my head. I'm freaking going out of my mind! I called my friend Dr. Pathologist up (yes, that's going to be his new HIPAA approved name) almost on the verge of tears to ask him how to differentiate leukemia with blood smears. He politely calmed me down saying that they won't just stick up a blood smear and make me identify it. He said that not even hematopathologists can do that. So it calmed me down long enough to take the pathology quiz where now I am back to borderline nervous breakdown. There weren't blood smears, but one or two blood smear descriptions and then identify what the person has. I don't know anything! And pharm...there are around 200 notecards with drugs for me to learn. CNS drugs, GI, lipid lowerers, antigoagulants, asthma, vasoactives, and antihypertensives will ALL be on this next test. I'm going to FAIL.

So needless to say, I've packed myself in my nerd hole. No visitors allowed. I'm even ignoring procrastination efforts (this being the only one of today) which should tell you alot on how I'm completely and utterly panicking. I didn't even go to the fair for lunch with my friend because I couldn't justify wasting the time. My friend and ex to the ex roomate W was in town, so I did take a break and ate dinner with him and another friend. I just kinda want these tests to be over with, so I can go ahead and start fresh and furious for next block. I guess it's good that I'm learning my lesson now instead of later. I also need to plan how I'm going to study for Step 1 that's happening in May. AND plan a trip to go shadow Dr. Pathologist over christmas break. Not forgetting the movie night my friend promised me once tests were over.

There's more on the karma front. Seems like Ms. Natural disaster has now taken leave. I'm assuming it's a year leave, since missing tests will not get you to next year on time. There seems to be some shady business going on, and the rumor mill has produced a story of almost a forced leave. It's good that she won't be with us anymore. She was not popular with many people as she always seemed to get out of tests and somehow always got her way with the administration. I too had a negative attitude, and if I would be on rotations with her next year, I'd have in the back of my head a question as to how she would be able to weasel her way out of her responsibilities this time. I'm seeing this as a positive thing for all people. I do wish her well, and I hope that nothing is seriously wrong. She can get everything she needs together and start again fresh. Now...if only I can get rid of Officer Helga (again, HIPAA approved name), I'd be set. I'm sure I'll talk more about her later, since she seems to piss me off on a semi-daily basis.

Wish me luck!
K

My True Colors

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