So I went and played on studentdoctor.net today and found the thread for the incoming class of M1's this fall. Class of 2013. I started reading the threads of these unsuspecting children, and I started remembering what it was like when I was in their shoes almost 2 years ago. One talked about not being able to stop smiling since they turned in their deposit and registration form. Just having that unbreakable happiness and glitter in the eye. Being so happy that you finally got to medical school and being in awe of the experiences and possibilities ahead...I wish I still felt that way. By no means do I loathe medical school. Actually, this has been the worst experience of my life. The only thing that makes me believe that I belong here is the fact that I love every miserable minute. As I read the posts of these new medical students, I wondered where my spark went. I definitely don't have it anymore. I guess somewhere between 1,000 powerpoints thrown at me daily and the emotional and mental beatings I receive from faculty and especially testing, I have become cynical and jaded. Somewhere in the daily battles and clawing my way through these past 2 years, I somewhere abandoned the glitter and the spark has been lost.
Now school has just become something I have to do, something I have to go through the motions to just get to the next step. I have to pass my classes in order to make it to the next year. I have to just make it to Step 1 so I can get on the floors and do what I went to med school to do. If I had known then what I know now, I still would have gone through medical school. I would have gone in more willing to let things go and pick my battles sooner than later. It took many missteps before I realized that if class didn't benefit me, then I shouldn't go. If reading the book took longer than making a 12 course meal, then don't read it. I am still in the process of growing and learning that my grades do not measure my level of knowledge and competence like they once did. I am learning that numbers are not a scale and competition between my classmates and me is more trouble than it's worth. It took me almost 2 full years to realize that just making it through this masochistic and sadistic process is more than a lot of people can and ever will accomplish.
I do feel the spark whenever I put on that short white coat that blares to everyone in the hospital "HI, I know nothing and quite possibly can kill you". But that coat symbolizes what I want for my life. To heal. To teach. To doctor. It is such a priviledge to be trusted with someone's life. I don't take my training lightly nor do I take the trust patients have in me lightly. Even if I have no idea what I'm doing, these people have presented most vulnerable side. They share secrets of sex, drugs, and life with me like they would tell me what their hair color is. That is a heavy burden, and I am constantly reminded of that fact.
The glitter comes when I think of the possibility of my future career. What specialty will I choose? Will I be general medicine, or will I do surgery? What if I go off the beaten path and do anesthesia or radiology? Even though I have had some exposure and pre-conceived notions of specialties available, I am still very open to the possibilities. There are so many out there. I will approach M3 with an open mind. I will pick the specialty which gives me that glitter in my eye and the spark within my soul. The one that helps me pop out of bed excited about what that new day will bring.
So throughout the darkness that envelops us throughout our first two years, at least there is the promise of once again feeling giddy, giggly, and glittery. The one specialty where we just fit. Probably the first time we "fit" anywhere since starting med school. I know that will be true for myself.
For the class of 2013: You all will lose that spark. By christmas you'll wonder what the hell you were thinking, and what's so great about this doctor thing. Now neck deep and seeing Step 1 rushing at me as that train supplying the light at the end of the tunnel, I constantly wonder what the hell I am thinking and what's so great about this doctor thing. So keep pushing, keep going, keep surviving. We began med school with a spark and a glitter, and we will end med school with a spark and a glitter. The rest between is just the journey to find it after we lost it.
What makes me glitter today? NO MORE MICRO TESTS!
Friday, January 30, 2009
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Hi, I'll Be Your Student Doctor
So, what happens when you knock on a patient door, wait for the "come in", and walk in the room to see your patient cuddled up with someone else in the bed with covers up the their necks? My first instinct after I picked my jaw off the floor was to run, but instead I squeaked out a "should I come back? If this is a bad time I can come back". The patient told me to come in and I wasn't disturbing anything. So what did I do? Finish my H&P as quickly as humanly possible. I left a LOT of things out in my flustered attempt, and experienced first hand how mean the floor nurses can be to a wet behind the ears newbie. I do need to talk to my preceptor about what happened, because I got caught completely by surprise. I didn't expect patients to be all cuddled up and spooning in a hospital room.
My biggest challenge this weekend will not be neuropathology. Even though it should be. Instead, it will be creating cupcakes for Momma Medschool's birthday. She loves it when the Cupcake Queen and I bring goodies to school. So in celebration of her birthday, Cupcake Queen and I have settled into a bake-off. May the best cupcake maker win! Our "challenge ingredient" (I think Cupcake Queen has been watching a wee bit too much Iron Chef) is chocolate. I'm making a raspberry filled devils food cake cupcake with dark chocolate ganash icing glaze thing. The Cupcake Queen is making a mocha inspired cupcake, with a coffee buttercream filling. I think Momma Medschool is going to absolutely love it. I can't wait to see her face. A camera is a must! I'll post some pictures of my creations later. This is going to be so much fun!
My most hated class is coming to a close. I need to start reviewing for the board exam. Micro is almost over! I have the class virology test on the 30th, and the board exam on the 3rd. Then never again (hopefully. I'll seriously lose my mind if I fail that class). I just hope it gets better after this BS of a class. Ugh.
So, I need to make my grocery list and get to baking. Pics to come soon!
My biggest challenge this weekend will not be neuropathology. Even though it should be. Instead, it will be creating cupcakes for Momma Medschool's birthday. She loves it when the Cupcake Queen and I bring goodies to school. So in celebration of her birthday, Cupcake Queen and I have settled into a bake-off. May the best cupcake maker win! Our "challenge ingredient" (I think Cupcake Queen has been watching a wee bit too much Iron Chef) is chocolate. I'm making a raspberry filled devils food cake cupcake with dark chocolate ganash icing glaze thing. The Cupcake Queen is making a mocha inspired cupcake, with a coffee buttercream filling. I think Momma Medschool is going to absolutely love it. I can't wait to see her face. A camera is a must! I'll post some pictures of my creations later. This is going to be so much fun!
My most hated class is coming to a close. I need to start reviewing for the board exam. Micro is almost over! I have the class virology test on the 30th, and the board exam on the 3rd. Then never again (hopefully. I'll seriously lose my mind if I fail that class). I just hope it gets better after this BS of a class. Ugh.
So, I need to make my grocery list and get to baking. Pics to come soon!
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Unwanted Goodbyes
Tonight I found myself alone at my house (finally!) for a few hours. I tried to study neuropathology, but just ended up watching House. I also walked on the treadmill, took a shower, gave the dog her medicine, watched parking wars, and avoided my notes and pink highlighter that stared at me from the desktop. At one point, I just got an overwhelming feeling of missing my friend. It's like, I just wanted him to show up at my door, come sit and hang out with me. That hasn't happened in a long time. So instead I opted for a text message, just letting him know that I was thinking of him and missed him. I've yet to receive a response.
I guess when I really start to miss Mr. Graphic Designer, I just kinda fall apart for a while. I've known him since I was in 8th grade. That's over a decade. I've gotten used to not seeing or talking to him every day. I got used to that long ago in undergrad when he went to a different college. There was the occasional phone call, and I still got to see him when he came in town. I even went to visit once (although, as many times as he came to visit me, I owe him about $400 and 27 visits). It's all fallen apart though in the last few years. Now I can't remember when exactly I saw him last. Besides the one text he responded to several months ago, I don't think I've had any contact with him. On my bad days, it gets to me. I feel like a bad friend. I feel like it's my fault. In all honestly, it IS my fault.
I don't remember exactly how we became friends. Except he sat two seats in front of me in 8th grade history. That was only after I was moved from the vicinity of the most annoying principle's kid on the face of the planet, and behind Mrs. Geologist (subsequently, we also became friends). 9th grade is just a blur, I don't remember much from that year. In 10th grade we were in history together again, as well as English. It was by this point that I tried on several attempts for him to get me on a date. I was too shy to ask myself. I'm still too shy to ask a guy out. Although I don't think he saw me that way. It didn't matter because I started dating my first boyfriend shortly after and kept that up for the rest of high school. I remember the one time I lost my temper at him. I was pissed at my father, and he piped in, then I got all on his case for saying shit about my dad. I was so mad that I drove 30 minutes in the wrong direction. I know that if he had gotten in the car with the others, I would have freaked out. I don't think I ever got mad at him again.
There are so many memories I have of him...I'm not going to write them all down. I guess I just remember the best things. Like, when he smiles and laughs. That right there can just stop time for me. He's so talented, I wish I had just one of his pieces of artwork. I know he'll do great things. He can do anything he sets his mind to. I'd be scared to try to stand in his way. He's one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet and is the biggest asshole at the same time. He was always there for me. He always tried to make me feel better when I was sad. We could just sit and hang and not have some need to fill it with conversation. I could always be myself around him. I didn't have to put on any fronts or pretend. Just me. Same for him. I think one of the best things about our friendship was that...we were always ourselves. No judgement.
Some people told me that what we had was some type of "true" love. I did love him. I still do. It never became romantic love in my eyes, but there was always love. When I told him I loved him, I meant it. Maybe in the right situation it would have turned into more than a sibling/close relationship love. That chance just never came. I don't think it ever will either.
I had to start school and forget to keep in touch. I got bad about the phone calls and the visiting. He got busy with school. I try to tell myself that he's busy. He's got a lot to do. He's got just as much on his plate as I do, if not more. However, the silence gets to me at times. When sometimes a quick lunch or a 10 minute phone call happened, it now no longer does. I keep telling myself that he's busy and he's had a lot going on in his life lately. Though sometimes another part of me takes hold, and I just see the silence as a way to phase me out. An unwanted goodbye from someone I hold so dear to my heart. Even if at times, he may not have felt that way and I certainly didn't act that way. I could never tell him enough that I'm sorry. That I'm a bad friend, and I'll do better. Again, the silence becomes overwhelming at times. There's nothing I can do to fix it. All I can do is remember and not forget. To keep trying, even if I'm only met by silence. I hope that we one day never completely lose contact, but right now it's looking more like fate than a horrible outcome.
I'll just have my last memory of him to haunt me. When he left after we hung out that day. How I wanted to ask him to stay longer, but didn't know how. I felt selfish wanting him to stay there with me. If I could change anything, I would have asked him to stay.
So what do I do from here? Keep going. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to do a history and physical on a cystic fibrosis patient, while pretending that a piece of my heart isn't breaking because I'm a terrible friend.
I guess when I really start to miss Mr. Graphic Designer, I just kinda fall apart for a while. I've known him since I was in 8th grade. That's over a decade. I've gotten used to not seeing or talking to him every day. I got used to that long ago in undergrad when he went to a different college. There was the occasional phone call, and I still got to see him when he came in town. I even went to visit once (although, as many times as he came to visit me, I owe him about $400 and 27 visits). It's all fallen apart though in the last few years. Now I can't remember when exactly I saw him last. Besides the one text he responded to several months ago, I don't think I've had any contact with him. On my bad days, it gets to me. I feel like a bad friend. I feel like it's my fault. In all honestly, it IS my fault.
I don't remember exactly how we became friends. Except he sat two seats in front of me in 8th grade history. That was only after I was moved from the vicinity of the most annoying principle's kid on the face of the planet, and behind Mrs. Geologist (subsequently, we also became friends). 9th grade is just a blur, I don't remember much from that year. In 10th grade we were in history together again, as well as English. It was by this point that I tried on several attempts for him to get me on a date. I was too shy to ask myself. I'm still too shy to ask a guy out. Although I don't think he saw me that way. It didn't matter because I started dating my first boyfriend shortly after and kept that up for the rest of high school. I remember the one time I lost my temper at him. I was pissed at my father, and he piped in, then I got all on his case for saying shit about my dad. I was so mad that I drove 30 minutes in the wrong direction. I know that if he had gotten in the car with the others, I would have freaked out. I don't think I ever got mad at him again.
There are so many memories I have of him...I'm not going to write them all down. I guess I just remember the best things. Like, when he smiles and laughs. That right there can just stop time for me. He's so talented, I wish I had just one of his pieces of artwork. I know he'll do great things. He can do anything he sets his mind to. I'd be scared to try to stand in his way. He's one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet and is the biggest asshole at the same time. He was always there for me. He always tried to make me feel better when I was sad. We could just sit and hang and not have some need to fill it with conversation. I could always be myself around him. I didn't have to put on any fronts or pretend. Just me. Same for him. I think one of the best things about our friendship was that...we were always ourselves. No judgement.
Some people told me that what we had was some type of "true" love. I did love him. I still do. It never became romantic love in my eyes, but there was always love. When I told him I loved him, I meant it. Maybe in the right situation it would have turned into more than a sibling/close relationship love. That chance just never came. I don't think it ever will either.
I had to start school and forget to keep in touch. I got bad about the phone calls and the visiting. He got busy with school. I try to tell myself that he's busy. He's got a lot to do. He's got just as much on his plate as I do, if not more. However, the silence gets to me at times. When sometimes a quick lunch or a 10 minute phone call happened, it now no longer does. I keep telling myself that he's busy and he's had a lot going on in his life lately. Though sometimes another part of me takes hold, and I just see the silence as a way to phase me out. An unwanted goodbye from someone I hold so dear to my heart. Even if at times, he may not have felt that way and I certainly didn't act that way. I could never tell him enough that I'm sorry. That I'm a bad friend, and I'll do better. Again, the silence becomes overwhelming at times. There's nothing I can do to fix it. All I can do is remember and not forget. To keep trying, even if I'm only met by silence. I hope that we one day never completely lose contact, but right now it's looking more like fate than a horrible outcome.
I'll just have my last memory of him to haunt me. When he left after we hung out that day. How I wanted to ask him to stay longer, but didn't know how. I felt selfish wanting him to stay there with me. If I could change anything, I would have asked him to stay.
So what do I do from here? Keep going. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to do a history and physical on a cystic fibrosis patient, while pretending that a piece of my heart isn't breaking because I'm a terrible friend.
Friday, January 16, 2009
My Bad
So the other day I created my first car accident. Traffic was going, then traffic was not going. I rear-ended a large F150 who was at a standstill after quickly slamming his brakes. His bumper had a couple of scratches. My bumper had a few scratches. Except, my radiator, headlights, hood, and grill were all destroyed. So it was truck: 1 my car:-20. It probably would have been a bad fender bender if I managed to hit his bumper. But since his bumper is so much higher than mine, it created substantial damage. So is the way of living in the south with good 'ole boys that need pick up trucks in the city. Oh well. Luckily I wasn't going *that* fast (I estimate around 20-30 mph) and no one was hurt. I still feel incredibly guilty, since my parents are nice enough to foot the bill. My insurance will increase, and I'm out of a car for about a week (or so the shop says). Oh well, it could have been worse, and my car could have been totaled. So that was my "oops" moment of the week.
I was planning on going to see my friend this weekend, but since I'm down a car that wasn't feasible. I'll just go and see her some other weekend. So I'll just have to spend my 3 day weekend studying. Hopefully I can pass the virology test and do decent on the board so I can pass the most useless class in medical school history. I mean seriously, even psychology doesn't take themselves as seriously as these jerks do. I've also got a lot of pathology to catch up on. I've been avoiding this block since it's filled with neuro. Tomorrow may turn into pathology day since I have an online quiz I need to complete. I have a friend coming in town monday so that's fun. I owe him a birthday cake. He wants strawberry cake with cream cheese icing. yum.
Things haven't been extremely eventful. I got off the exercise routine because of the accident, but I plan to get back in the game tonight. Maybe I can make some time to clean as well this weekend.
Keep it real, stay away from herpes.
I was planning on going to see my friend this weekend, but since I'm down a car that wasn't feasible. I'll just go and see her some other weekend. So I'll just have to spend my 3 day weekend studying. Hopefully I can pass the virology test and do decent on the board so I can pass the most useless class in medical school history. I mean seriously, even psychology doesn't take themselves as seriously as these jerks do. I've also got a lot of pathology to catch up on. I've been avoiding this block since it's filled with neuro. Tomorrow may turn into pathology day since I have an online quiz I need to complete. I have a friend coming in town monday so that's fun. I owe him a birthday cake. He wants strawberry cake with cream cheese icing. yum.
Things haven't been extremely eventful. I got off the exercise routine because of the accident, but I plan to get back in the game tonight. Maybe I can make some time to clean as well this weekend.
Keep it real, stay away from herpes.
Monday, January 12, 2009
It Should Be A Law or Something
So, one of my very best friends from high school announced her preganancy over facebook today. Needless to say, I'm in shock/denial. I just don't feel like we're old enough to be married, let alone have kids! Although my good med school friend the Budding Neurosurgeon reminded me that at my age she was married with a 6 year old. But still, I'm not talking about her. I'm talking about ME. haha. I guess with me not having a taste of the "real world" and still spending most of my time rotting behind textbooks and basing my entire existence on grades, scores, and test blocks kinda puts me in a place where I haven't realized we've all grown up. I'm not dissing anyone who has kids or has gotten married, don't get me wrong. I think it's just more of a mental time lapse I have. I mean, I know if/when I have a child, I'll probably wait until I start showing or something because I'll be scared I'll get in trouble or something. All of my friends need to be on anti-baby duty until I've mentally and emotionally caught up with everyone.
And today, there was another ICM small group. This time, neurology. I think I've diagnosed myself with post traumatic stress disorder when it comes to anything resembling my neuroanatomy class from last year. I just keep seeing Dr. Satan's face whenever someone utters anything that has the words "neuro" in it. It's like I just shut down and my mind goes blank. I just want to run away. I don't think this is a normal response. I seriously think I was traumatized by that class. The longer I'm in med school, the more convinced I am that I need xanax, prozac, zoloft, etc. Take your pick on your favorite antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety medication regimen.
On a positive note, I'm going to see one of my good college friends this weekend. Since it's a long weekend I figured I could spare Friday thru Sunday and play catch up on Monday. I'll take my Step 1 book with me most likely because she's got to work some so I'll be left to my own devices. I'm actually ok with pharm right now, but it's micro. Those people seriously don't know when to quit. I study my clinical micro made ridiculously simple-I'm good. I study my BRS for microbiology-I got this! I study my Step 1 book-I got some memorizing to do, but I'm feeling good about this! I read through the power points-WHAT THE FUCK. This receptor on this virus attaches to this receptor on these 3 cells in the human body and then if this one amino acid is mutated blah blah blah. OMG! Are you fucking me? SERIOUSLY? So how come my TWO, count them TWO board books do not mention any of this shit that you obviously think is important to my career in medicine. The entire microbiology department seriously needs to suck my left nut because they are plain ridiculous and out of control. I'm so over classes and these PhD's that think they created medicine. UGH! I have to constantly tell myself that I have to deal with this for just 4 more months. I can't get to next year or even Step if I don't deal with their bullshit and pass the class. It's so hard to give a rat's ass right now. Seriously. I can't wait for my evaluations. I did the mid-term one for pharm and tore Dr. Rambles A Lot a new asshole. Not only did I mention that he sits in front of the class, talks for 50 minutes and manages to not say ONE THING, but his little write a Step 1 test question was complete shit and a waste of my time. But if he really wanted to keep the assignment, he may want to pull a newer article out of his ass than 1974. Because honestly, they have better things to treat arrhythmias with now than Adenosine.
ok, so that was a fun rant. Enjoy reading. Of course, I can't drop out of school to become a pirate wench if I don't practice my pirate mouth now. Plus, I only curse that much when I start thinking about the obscene caste system that exists at my medical school.
Until the next rant! Keep it real! Remember: Don't be a fool, stay in school! (chant that extra loud for me!)
OH! and Dr. Pathologist has a birthday tomorrow! At least, that's the date he gave me. so I'll be texting him tomorrow, since he sucks at email. haha. so everyone wish Dr. Pathologist a happy birthday!!!
And today, there was another ICM small group. This time, neurology. I think I've diagnosed myself with post traumatic stress disorder when it comes to anything resembling my neuroanatomy class from last year. I just keep seeing Dr. Satan's face whenever someone utters anything that has the words "neuro" in it. It's like I just shut down and my mind goes blank. I just want to run away. I don't think this is a normal response. I seriously think I was traumatized by that class. The longer I'm in med school, the more convinced I am that I need xanax, prozac, zoloft, etc. Take your pick on your favorite antidepressant and/or anti-anxiety medication regimen.
On a positive note, I'm going to see one of my good college friends this weekend. Since it's a long weekend I figured I could spare Friday thru Sunday and play catch up on Monday. I'll take my Step 1 book with me most likely because she's got to work some so I'll be left to my own devices. I'm actually ok with pharm right now, but it's micro. Those people seriously don't know when to quit. I study my clinical micro made ridiculously simple-I'm good. I study my BRS for microbiology-I got this! I study my Step 1 book-I got some memorizing to do, but I'm feeling good about this! I read through the power points-WHAT THE FUCK. This receptor on this virus attaches to this receptor on these 3 cells in the human body and then if this one amino acid is mutated blah blah blah. OMG! Are you fucking me? SERIOUSLY? So how come my TWO, count them TWO board books do not mention any of this shit that you obviously think is important to my career in medicine. The entire microbiology department seriously needs to suck my left nut because they are plain ridiculous and out of control. I'm so over classes and these PhD's that think they created medicine. UGH! I have to constantly tell myself that I have to deal with this for just 4 more months. I can't get to next year or even Step if I don't deal with their bullshit and pass the class. It's so hard to give a rat's ass right now. Seriously. I can't wait for my evaluations. I did the mid-term one for pharm and tore Dr. Rambles A Lot a new asshole. Not only did I mention that he sits in front of the class, talks for 50 minutes and manages to not say ONE THING, but his little write a Step 1 test question was complete shit and a waste of my time. But if he really wanted to keep the assignment, he may want to pull a newer article out of his ass than 1974. Because honestly, they have better things to treat arrhythmias with now than Adenosine.
ok, so that was a fun rant. Enjoy reading. Of course, I can't drop out of school to become a pirate wench if I don't practice my pirate mouth now. Plus, I only curse that much when I start thinking about the obscene caste system that exists at my medical school.
Until the next rant! Keep it real! Remember: Don't be a fool, stay in school! (chant that extra loud for me!)
OH! and Dr. Pathologist has a birthday tomorrow! At least, that's the date he gave me. so I'll be texting him tomorrow, since he sucks at email. haha. so everyone wish Dr. Pathologist a happy birthday!!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
It's the Reason Why I Have a Hangover
So my first week back was exhausting and the majority of the time I just didn't wanna. I learned the importance of female anatomy, met the cutest little elf pathologist (she's everything I want to be when I grow up except I don't want to be a boob specialist), and I saw the most depressing patient to date. So all in all, I got drunk last night.
The case was a 22 year old that had congestive heart failure, diabetes, hypercholesterolemia (and subsequently coronary artery disease) and gastroparesis. On top of that, he's already had a coronary artery bypass graft (CABG) and was working on about 15% on her pump (her heart was only functioning at 15% basically). So yeah, I was depressed. This little kid is younger than me and will die. Probably very soon. She had no idea if anyone in her family had anything like that, since she said her parents have never been tested. It seemed a lot like they just have never gone to the doctor. The only reason why she knows all of this now is that last year she felt short of breath and went to the emergency room. Her diabetes was way out of control, her A1C was averaging about 13, and she was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I didn't say all this to start some "this is why we need free healthcare" debate. If you feel like you need to reply with that bullshit I suggest you go ahead and leave out the middle man and just chop your fingers right off your hand so you can't type your hippy beliefs. Maybe one day I'll blog on all the reasons why nothing is free, especially healthcare. Someone will always be footing the bill. And since I never had anyone come and just say that my groceries are on them, then I don't believe I should say your healthcare is on me.
OK! Enough! Also, my parents drive me crazy. Not only did my mother decide it was time to vacum this morning, but my dad came up to me and wanted me to fill out a "good student" discount for my car insurance. Yeah, that's all fine and dandy, but they were saying how I needed to be in the top 20% of my class or have like, a B average and blah blah blah. Well, I just laughed, because I'm not sure medical school counts for a "full time university enrollment" and I sure as HELL am not in the top 20% of my class. When I gave it back to my dad telling him I'm not elligible, I got the "why the hell not?" and that just annoys me. I still don't think my parents get the whole med school thing. I don't think they get that I can't just walk into a test and make an A on it. I don't think they get how competitive and how hard and how soul destroying it really all is. That's part of the reason why I refuse to let them see my grades and when they ask just reply "I'm passing". ugh. I sometimes believe they wake up and think I'm still 16.
Moral of the story: don't move back in with your parents EVER. Just live out of your car.
That's all folks. Off to get the hairs snipped and then study. Peace!
The case was a 22 year old that had congestive heart failure, diabetes, hypercholesterolemia (and subsequently coronary artery disease) and gastroparesis. On top of that, he's already had a coronary artery bypass graft (CABG) and was working on about 15% on her pump (her heart was only functioning at 15% basically). So yeah, I was depressed. This little kid is younger than me and will die. Probably very soon. She had no idea if anyone in her family had anything like that, since she said her parents have never been tested. It seemed a lot like they just have never gone to the doctor. The only reason why she knows all of this now is that last year she felt short of breath and went to the emergency room. Her diabetes was way out of control, her A1C was averaging about 13, and she was one of the sweetest people I've ever met. I didn't say all this to start some "this is why we need free healthcare" debate. If you feel like you need to reply with that bullshit I suggest you go ahead and leave out the middle man and just chop your fingers right off your hand so you can't type your hippy beliefs. Maybe one day I'll blog on all the reasons why nothing is free, especially healthcare. Someone will always be footing the bill. And since I never had anyone come and just say that my groceries are on them, then I don't believe I should say your healthcare is on me.
OK! Enough! Also, my parents drive me crazy. Not only did my mother decide it was time to vacum this morning, but my dad came up to me and wanted me to fill out a "good student" discount for my car insurance. Yeah, that's all fine and dandy, but they were saying how I needed to be in the top 20% of my class or have like, a B average and blah blah blah. Well, I just laughed, because I'm not sure medical school counts for a "full time university enrollment" and I sure as HELL am not in the top 20% of my class. When I gave it back to my dad telling him I'm not elligible, I got the "why the hell not?" and that just annoys me. I still don't think my parents get the whole med school thing. I don't think they get that I can't just walk into a test and make an A on it. I don't think they get how competitive and how hard and how soul destroying it really all is. That's part of the reason why I refuse to let them see my grades and when they ask just reply "I'm passing". ugh. I sometimes believe they wake up and think I'm still 16.
Moral of the story: don't move back in with your parents EVER. Just live out of your car.
That's all folks. Off to get the hairs snipped and then study. Peace!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
I Need the Crash Course
So my first day back reminded me why I didn't go to class last semester. Although educational, it was not impressive. The required small group did the job of showing us how to do a proper female pelvic exam. Yeah, I know you're jealous. I now know how to use the cold metal duck billed instrument of torture (properly referred to as a speculum) and realize that if I can feel someone's uterus or ovaries, there's something wrong. Today is a crap shoot, I've napped and stayed in my pajamas for the most part. It's been cold and rainy and I have avoided going anywhere. I have been reading a bit on virology. I think I'm approaching this last bit of my classroom time like swimming in late may when the water is still too cold. I'm just slowly lowering myself into it even though I know jumping in will really suck for about three seconds. This way I don't want to slit my wrists too early in the new block, whereas if I jumped I'd probably have to get on some xanax or something.
Also, as many people have heard, John Travolta's son died. The authorities say that "seizure" was listed as the cause of death for the kid. Now, realizing that he suffered from Kawasaki's disease, I would have thought heart attack would have been the main cause of death for the kid. Or at least, that's what they taught us in path. He could have had a seizure disorder, but Kawasaki's does NOT cause seizures. Also, as far as I know, people die from the complications of a seizure (such as hitting their head and dying from a massive subdural hematoma or whatever) rather than the seizure itself. But I could be wrong. Although, it all just sounds a bit fishy. But whatever the reason, it's not the public's business anyway. I hope the Travolta family can pull this tragedy.
I did go to the DMV to get my license changed with my new last name. Now I just a few more things to change before I'm done with all the paperwork crap. So it was quite the treat of going this morning and waiting. I will say however that it's not as busy as it used to be, and they remodeled the place and it now has a spiffy waiting room complete with chairs. It wasn't bad, I was in and out in 30 min. So now maybe I can get my credit cards changed. It probably would have been easier to cancel my current cards then open up new accounts. Oh well, it's all just a hassle. And it gets old when people ask for the marriage license or ask if the name change is due to a marriage. The look on their faces when I just say "nope, legal name change" is priceless. They get confused.
well, anything else I would have to say would just be mindless rambling or two sentence statements about somewhat reconciling with my ex roomate and going to the Creepy Ex Boyfriend's apartment and actually having a great time with him and his new roomate (which is not Creepy Ex Boyfriend's cousin...he moved out of that situation finally). I still have 2 christmas presents to get before thursday, and the new (and last) season of scrubs premiers today. Oh yeah, I've been good about keeping up with my crunches. My abs are in a constant state of sore but I can almost tell a difference. at least, I'll keep telling myself that so I keep doing them. Now, if I could just keep food out of my mouth I may be able to show up my sister (who has lost a ton of weight but looks amazing) that skinny bitch. I say that with all the love possible for ... well .... me....
Anyway, keep it real.
Also, as many people have heard, John Travolta's son died. The authorities say that "seizure" was listed as the cause of death for the kid. Now, realizing that he suffered from Kawasaki's disease, I would have thought heart attack would have been the main cause of death for the kid. Or at least, that's what they taught us in path. He could have had a seizure disorder, but Kawasaki's does NOT cause seizures. Also, as far as I know, people die from the complications of a seizure (such as hitting their head and dying from a massive subdural hematoma or whatever) rather than the seizure itself. But I could be wrong. Although, it all just sounds a bit fishy. But whatever the reason, it's not the public's business anyway. I hope the Travolta family can pull this tragedy.
I did go to the DMV to get my license changed with my new last name. Now I just a few more things to change before I'm done with all the paperwork crap. So it was quite the treat of going this morning and waiting. I will say however that it's not as busy as it used to be, and they remodeled the place and it now has a spiffy waiting room complete with chairs. It wasn't bad, I was in and out in 30 min. So now maybe I can get my credit cards changed. It probably would have been easier to cancel my current cards then open up new accounts. Oh well, it's all just a hassle. And it gets old when people ask for the marriage license or ask if the name change is due to a marriage. The look on their faces when I just say "nope, legal name change" is priceless. They get confused.
well, anything else I would have to say would just be mindless rambling or two sentence statements about somewhat reconciling with my ex roomate and going to the Creepy Ex Boyfriend's apartment and actually having a great time with him and his new roomate (which is not Creepy Ex Boyfriend's cousin...he moved out of that situation finally). I still have 2 christmas presents to get before thursday, and the new (and last) season of scrubs premiers today. Oh yeah, I've been good about keeping up with my crunches. My abs are in a constant state of sore but I can almost tell a difference. at least, I'll keep telling myself that so I keep doing them. Now, if I could just keep food out of my mouth I may be able to show up my sister (who has lost a ton of weight but looks amazing) that skinny bitch. I say that with all the love possible for ... well .... me....
Anyway, keep it real.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Let's Start Over
So, today is the first day of 2009. Pretty mundane for myself. I have been cleaning and doing about 4 weeks worth of laundry. I'm not finished yet, but productivity was haulted when my niece came over to visit. She'll be staying with us for the next day or so because my nephew is getting his tonsils and adenoids taken out. I'll be at the hospital at 6:30 to support my sister and IF the deadbeat ex shows up I'll serve as the "sit down and don't say an effing word" buffer. He knows better than to open his mouth around me, because unlike my sister I don't care if I piss him off. But my niece is staying so my sister can focus on my nephew in the first 24 hours after his surgery. So tomorrow after the hospital I'm taking her to the local natural science museum. There are big aquariums and a dinosaur display so I think she'll have a good time.
Other than that, I haven't made any new years resolutions because they are never followed through. I guess I just take each day as a battle. Med school is a battle in itself. Just the fact that I haven't been kicked out yet says a lot. But of course I'm going to try to do the whole eat better, get in better shape, yada yada. I'm also starting off the new year with my new name, so that's something that is already different for myself. I'm pretty excited, even though I know when I go back to school I'll have a lot of questions. I'm going to fight hard to find the appropriate words to say "it's none of your business". It's been suggested for me to say "personal issues" but at the same time, I really don't think I should have to explain myself. I'll just have to take a deep breath and count to ten. I need to practice being cordial before third year, because I know I'll need something to keep me from just wearing some people in my class down to little insignificant shadows of self confidence.
I also have started studying for step. I believe it's about 21 1/2 weeks until the fated test. I hope to get 250-300 hours in. I've already started reviewing here and there. I'm picking subjects I really enjoyed, and I'm saving things like biochem and cardiology for that month I get off to do nothing but study. I did embryology the other day, and today I've dabbled in some of the reproductive chapters. I need to get my books back from my M1, at least my developmental and gross stuff. I should probably call her soon after classes start up again and arrange to stop by and get my books. I do know that I'm not giving her anything next year, I've been very disappointed in my M1's attitude toward me.
And in ending, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I wonder if anyone would notice if I just never showed up again.
Other than that, I haven't made any new years resolutions because they are never followed through. I guess I just take each day as a battle. Med school is a battle in itself. Just the fact that I haven't been kicked out yet says a lot. But of course I'm going to try to do the whole eat better, get in better shape, yada yada. I'm also starting off the new year with my new name, so that's something that is already different for myself. I'm pretty excited, even though I know when I go back to school I'll have a lot of questions. I'm going to fight hard to find the appropriate words to say "it's none of your business". It's been suggested for me to say "personal issues" but at the same time, I really don't think I should have to explain myself. I'll just have to take a deep breath and count to ten. I need to practice being cordial before third year, because I know I'll need something to keep me from just wearing some people in my class down to little insignificant shadows of self confidence.
I also have started studying for step. I believe it's about 21 1/2 weeks until the fated test. I hope to get 250-300 hours in. I've already started reviewing here and there. I'm picking subjects I really enjoyed, and I'm saving things like biochem and cardiology for that month I get off to do nothing but study. I did embryology the other day, and today I've dabbled in some of the reproductive chapters. I need to get my books back from my M1, at least my developmental and gross stuff. I should probably call her soon after classes start up again and arrange to stop by and get my books. I do know that I'm not giving her anything next year, I've been very disappointed in my M1's attitude toward me.
And in ending, I DON'T WANT TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL! I wonder if anyone would notice if I just never showed up again.
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