Unwanted Goodbyes

Tonight I found myself alone at my house (finally!) for a few hours. I tried to study neuropathology, but just ended up watching House. I also walked on the treadmill, took a shower, gave the dog her medicine, watched parking wars, and avoided my notes and pink highlighter that stared at me from the desktop. At one point, I just got an overwhelming feeling of missing my friend. It's like, I just wanted him to show up at my door, come sit and hang out with me. That hasn't happened in a long time. So instead I opted for a text message, just letting him know that I was thinking of him and missed him. I've yet to receive a response.

I guess when I really start to miss Mr. Graphic Designer, I just kinda fall apart for a while. I've known him since I was in 8th grade. That's over a decade. I've gotten used to not seeing or talking to him every day. I got used to that long ago in undergrad when he went to a different college. There was the occasional phone call, and I still got to see him when he came in town. I even went to visit once (although, as many times as he came to visit me, I owe him about $400 and 27 visits). It's all fallen apart though in the last few years. Now I can't remember when exactly I saw him last. Besides the one text he responded to several months ago, I don't think I've had any contact with him. On my bad days, it gets to me. I feel like a bad friend. I feel like it's my fault. In all honestly, it IS my fault.

I don't remember exactly how we became friends. Except he sat two seats in front of me in 8th grade history. That was only after I was moved from the vicinity of the most annoying principle's kid on the face of the planet, and behind Mrs. Geologist (subsequently, we also became friends). 9th grade is just a blur, I don't remember much from that year. In 10th grade we were in history together again, as well as English. It was by this point that I tried on several attempts for him to get me on a date. I was too shy to ask myself. I'm still too shy to ask a guy out. Although I don't think he saw me that way. It didn't matter because I started dating my first boyfriend shortly after and kept that up for the rest of high school. I remember the one time I lost my temper at him. I was pissed at my father, and he piped in, then I got all on his case for saying shit about my dad. I was so mad that I drove 30 minutes in the wrong direction. I know that if he had gotten in the car with the others, I would have freaked out. I don't think I ever got mad at him again.

There are so many memories I have of him...I'm not going to write them all down. I guess I just remember the best things. Like, when he smiles and laughs. That right there can just stop time for me. He's so talented, I wish I had just one of his pieces of artwork. I know he'll do great things. He can do anything he sets his mind to. I'd be scared to try to stand in his way. He's one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet and is the biggest asshole at the same time. He was always there for me. He always tried to make me feel better when I was sad. We could just sit and hang and not have some need to fill it with conversation. I could always be myself around him. I didn't have to put on any fronts or pretend. Just me. Same for him. I think one of the best things about our friendship was that...we were always ourselves. No judgement.

Some people told me that what we had was some type of "true" love. I did love him. I still do. It never became romantic love in my eyes, but there was always love. When I told him I loved him, I meant it. Maybe in the right situation it would have turned into more than a sibling/close relationship love. That chance just never came. I don't think it ever will either.

I had to start school and forget to keep in touch. I got bad about the phone calls and the visiting. He got busy with school. I try to tell myself that he's busy. He's got a lot to do. He's got just as much on his plate as I do, if not more. However, the silence gets to me at times. When sometimes a quick lunch or a 10 minute phone call happened, it now no longer does. I keep telling myself that he's busy and he's had a lot going on in his life lately. Though sometimes another part of me takes hold, and I just see the silence as a way to phase me out. An unwanted goodbye from someone I hold so dear to my heart. Even if at times, he may not have felt that way and I certainly didn't act that way. I could never tell him enough that I'm sorry. That I'm a bad friend, and I'll do better. Again, the silence becomes overwhelming at times. There's nothing I can do to fix it. All I can do is remember and not forget. To keep trying, even if I'm only met by silence. I hope that we one day never completely lose contact, but right now it's looking more like fate than a horrible outcome.

I'll just have my last memory of him to haunt me. When he left after we hung out that day. How I wanted to ask him to stay longer, but didn't know how. I felt selfish wanting him to stay there with me. If I could change anything, I would have asked him to stay.

So what do I do from here? Keep going. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow I have to do a history and physical on a cystic fibrosis patient, while pretending that a piece of my heart isn't breaking because I'm a terrible friend.