My Defense Mechanisms

So, I have about 16 days and counting until I take the USMLE STEP 1 exam. I basically spend all day either doing USMLE world questions or reading my First Aid. Of course, that's all accompanied by at least 1 freak out per day. Whether it's because I got a 30% on a question block that has a 56% average, or I take a NBME practice test and make a 186, or I take the USMLE world assessment test and realize I do worse the second time around on subjects I dominated the first time. Plus, 2 weeks of intense preparation have resulted in minimal progress (read: probably by chance)

So, I have decided that I engage in several primative (immature) and less primative (mature) defense mechanisms.

1. Acting out-unacceptable feelings and thoughts are expressed through actions. Example: tantrums. This is what I do at least once a day when I become frustrated with myself and the fact I suck at med school.

2. Denial-avoidance of awareness of some painful reality. Example: I tell myself that these tests are hard on purpose to scare us into studying and I really don't know THAT little. This happens shortly after my tantrum and help me take some deep breaths so I can get back to studying. Surely I don't do that bad on step. Will I?

3. Regression-Turning back the maturation clock and going back to earlier modes of dealing with the world. Example: crying. well, I'm not much of a cryer, but I have had some tears well up lately

4. Suppression-voluntary withholding of an idea or feeling from conscious awareness. Example: choosing not to think about the exam until the week of it. I try not to think about it, or think about how little I apparently know. I think Denial feeds this in my head and vice versa.

So there you go. I have admitted that studying for STEP has made me completely bat shit crazy (probably more on that to come) and we all learned of different defense mechanisms including real-life examples.

Thanks for playing.

I Suck

2 min, 1/4 mile if you round up, fast walk for 28 min. Where did that 3/4 of a mile in 6 min go? geez!

Also, according to the NBME, I'm going to do just good enough on step to pass, but become a psychiatrist. Not even the family medicine or internal medicine people would take me (seeing how there is a desperate shortage and they are trying to get numbers up. According to NBME I shouldn't even BE in med school). Ugh! I've got a long way to go in 22 days!

I feel like I don't study enough. Sure, I'm off my computer and have first aid in front of me. But I catch myself staring out the window or just at some dot on the wall. It's like my brain is refusing. Especially with BIOCHEM. and I didn't go to their reviews either. their powerpoints didn't teach me anything last year, and they won't teach me anything this year either.

I hope everyone is getting off to a better start. I also hope that NBME and USMLE world qbank hasn't destroyed anyone else's soul, hopes, and/or dreams.

I Miss the 90's

24 days and counting. I actually managed to get higher than USMLE world avg test taker's score! wahoo! That'll probably be the ONLY time avg is 56% and I make 57%. haha.

Took a study break to gym. Still haven't climbed back on that treadmill. It'll happen soon. Did 30 min of elliptical at 20 resistance. Did lunges/squats/calf raises yesterday so my entire lower body is sore. Gotta lose a little weight before my beach trip!

And can I just say that I think there needs to be a petition for MTV to change their name. I haven't seen a full length music video (therefore excluding the sorry excuse for the music video countdown that was TRL) since 1997. They are no longer music television. It's crappy reality and the embarassing remnants of the show The Real World. They need to be re-named Reality TV or Brain Rot TV or something like that. Because they are getting credit for what they used to be, which was a completely awesome channel full of music videos and everything to do with music. Which it no longer is. So please, people at "MTV". Change the name. You only bring disappointment when I eagery flip to your channel in hopes of seeing quality. You no longer provide me with Ozzy Osbourne's latest music video, episodes of Ren and Stimpy or Beavis and Butthead, or The Real World: Seattle. So give it up. Change the name, and let the wonderful memories of what you were remain as is. Don't pollute them with what you have become.

26 Days

I have 26 days left to study for STEP. Let's just say, the fire under my ass has been lit. Granted, it's been hard getting back on the study wagon but it's getting easier the more i remind myself of the impending deadline.

I went to my friend's wedding last night. she looked absolutely beautiful. I'm really happy for the both of them. And I also ate about 10 lbs of awesome chicken salad sandwich, chicken, and the wedding cake that was so awesome. I had a great time and I was really happy to find that the dress I bought for the wedding fit me better last night than when I bought it. Thank you calorie counting and running!

Well, I don't have much to talk about. I'm starting off on biochem and will work my way thru the rest of first year material. The diagnostic I took the other day scared the ever living shit out of me, but it was good because it showed me that all the first year material has left my face. So what did I do? Made blueberry muffins this morning.

Also, I'm really excited about my new glasses. They're kinda vintage looking. Very 1950's cat eyed with a little something on the sides. woot! Now if I could just decide what I want to do with my hair, I'd be all set.


Now onto Glycolysis, Gluconeogenesis, HMP shunt, and rate limiting enzymes! Ugh. Someone stick a fork in my eye to make the pain go away.

I see the light! Wait, uh oh.

So I'm rapidly sprinting toward that light at the end of my basic science years when I remember that it's really a train called STEP 1 and I should turn around and run in the other direction. But, mind over matter, I'm still running toward the light.

Not to say that I most likely failed the pharm board and won't have to worry about turning tail and running because the pharmacology dept will yank on my bungee and pull me right where I belong. Taking pharm over again. Well, maybe not the whole class. I can see them making me re-take that stupid board because I'm estimating my grade to be a whopping 25 when usual boards are around 500. ugh. If I had known to just study mechanisms vs. I don't know, CLINICAL RELEVANCE, then maybe I could have broken triple digits. Ugh, I hate pharm. Radiology it is!

Today begins STEP 1 study intensity. I will be spending the next 30 days in the classroom wing trying to cram 2 years worth of info BACK into my head. Wish me luck!

Until next time!

Boards Define My Life

So I've realized that I'll pretty much be taking boards from here until I retire. Good news: they're boards and test general knowledge vs. memorization. The bad news: I'll never get away from taking tests.

Since I have today off I took myself to the gym again. 3/4 of a mile in 7 min. my little legs were cranking it out! Total 30 min, around 2 miles (can't remember, it's between 1.75 and 2), and 211 calories burned. It felt really good to just run and NOT listen to Goljan for a change (instead listening to my "run" playlist). 5k's, here I come!

Gotta go study before my friend's wedding shower tonight. Then why-the-hell-do-I-care board in the morning, then party in the afternoon!

My social calendar has never been so full.

I'm a wimp

1/2 mile in 6 minutes. Walked the other 24 for a grand total of 30 minutes and 1.66 miles. 208 supposed calories burned.

I'm getting there. slowly.

Also, I need to go down to the scrub room and *try on* scrubs. Since I'm short and have a massive ass, I don't know if the mediums will fit or if I'll need a large. It'll all depend on the way they're cut. Also, why isn't petite an option? I'm going to have to be rolling my pants something major.

Oh, and guess who has spent the past 2 days cooking instead of studying path? Oh yeah, that would be me.

Boards smoards.