Lather, Rinse, Repeat

My days have become pretty mundane. Wake up. Make coffee. Pack everything. Settle in classroom wing. Study. Lunch break. Study. Dinner. Study. Bed.

Repeat.

I'm at 12 days and counting. I'm close to sheer panic, but I think it'll take it's full effect when I reach single digits.

I took some off time this weekend. I didn't get much done yesterday on the account of my friend's Lingerie shower. It was a well needed break. I got to catch up with a lot of people. And I also ate myself stupid on sausage dip. That means double time gym-study combination in the next 45 minutes.

I'm starting to get very distressed over the fact that my overall performance on USMLE world has hit a plateau. I eventually saw some (although minimal) progress on overall percentages but now they've slowed to a stubborn halt. and no, not at the 70% that they recommend you achieve before taking STEP. More like "if i continue at this pace, I may not even pass the damn thing". Plus, with my nerves fraying Dr. Pathologist has found endless entertainment in calling me up and quizzing me on the most ridiculous of renal pathology. Haegman factor? Really? I don't even remember what the hell that is.

The only good thing that will come out of just being done with step is starting M3 year. I know, 2 weeks into it I'll already be threatening to drop out and become a penguin washer at SeaWorld, but I'm at least excited to be starting off on specialties. I start on Plastics with Two Tiny Letters (which I am COMPLETELY pumped about) and I got transplant like I wanted! And all I have to say is thank the Lord Sweet Baby Jesus I did NOT get neurosurgery. That in itself will make surgery a better rotation. I eventually round it up with general and SICU. So I'm actually getting pretty pumped about my surgery rotation. I just hope I don't end up liking it, because the last thing I see myself doing (besides anything involving neuro) is surgery. But we'll see. I'm not against it completely. Just reluctant.

With that being said, I need to get on it so I can at least break 200 on this stupid test.

Good luck to everyone!

My Defense Mechanisms

So, I have about 16 days and counting until I take the USMLE STEP 1 exam. I basically spend all day either doing USMLE world questions or reading my First Aid. Of course, that's all accompanied by at least 1 freak out per day. Whether it's because I got a 30% on a question block that has a 56% average, or I take a NBME practice test and make a 186, or I take the USMLE world assessment test and realize I do worse the second time around on subjects I dominated the first time. Plus, 2 weeks of intense preparation have resulted in minimal progress (read: probably by chance)

So, I have decided that I engage in several primative (immature) and less primative (mature) defense mechanisms.

1. Acting out-unacceptable feelings and thoughts are expressed through actions. Example: tantrums. This is what I do at least once a day when I become frustrated with myself and the fact I suck at med school.

2. Denial-avoidance of awareness of some painful reality. Example: I tell myself that these tests are hard on purpose to scare us into studying and I really don't know THAT little. This happens shortly after my tantrum and help me take some deep breaths so I can get back to studying. Surely I don't do that bad on step. Will I?

3. Regression-Turning back the maturation clock and going back to earlier modes of dealing with the world. Example: crying. well, I'm not much of a cryer, but I have had some tears well up lately

4. Suppression-voluntary withholding of an idea or feeling from conscious awareness. Example: choosing not to think about the exam until the week of it. I try not to think about it, or think about how little I apparently know. I think Denial feeds this in my head and vice versa.

So there you go. I have admitted that studying for STEP has made me completely bat shit crazy (probably more on that to come) and we all learned of different defense mechanisms including real-life examples.

Thanks for playing.

I Suck

2 min, 1/4 mile if you round up, fast walk for 28 min. Where did that 3/4 of a mile in 6 min go? geez!

Also, according to the NBME, I'm going to do just good enough on step to pass, but become a psychiatrist. Not even the family medicine or internal medicine people would take me (seeing how there is a desperate shortage and they are trying to get numbers up. According to NBME I shouldn't even BE in med school). Ugh! I've got a long way to go in 22 days!

I feel like I don't study enough. Sure, I'm off my computer and have first aid in front of me. But I catch myself staring out the window or just at some dot on the wall. It's like my brain is refusing. Especially with BIOCHEM. and I didn't go to their reviews either. their powerpoints didn't teach me anything last year, and they won't teach me anything this year either.

I hope everyone is getting off to a better start. I also hope that NBME and USMLE world qbank hasn't destroyed anyone else's soul, hopes, and/or dreams.

I Miss the 90's

24 days and counting. I actually managed to get higher than USMLE world avg test taker's score! wahoo! That'll probably be the ONLY time avg is 56% and I make 57%. haha.

Took a study break to gym. Still haven't climbed back on that treadmill. It'll happen soon. Did 30 min of elliptical at 20 resistance. Did lunges/squats/calf raises yesterday so my entire lower body is sore. Gotta lose a little weight before my beach trip!

And can I just say that I think there needs to be a petition for MTV to change their name. I haven't seen a full length music video (therefore excluding the sorry excuse for the music video countdown that was TRL) since 1997. They are no longer music television. It's crappy reality and the embarassing remnants of the show The Real World. They need to be re-named Reality TV or Brain Rot TV or something like that. Because they are getting credit for what they used to be, which was a completely awesome channel full of music videos and everything to do with music. Which it no longer is. So please, people at "MTV". Change the name. You only bring disappointment when I eagery flip to your channel in hopes of seeing quality. You no longer provide me with Ozzy Osbourne's latest music video, episodes of Ren and Stimpy or Beavis and Butthead, or The Real World: Seattle. So give it up. Change the name, and let the wonderful memories of what you were remain as is. Don't pollute them with what you have become.

I see the light! Wait, uh oh.

So I'm rapidly sprinting toward that light at the end of my basic science years when I remember that it's really a train called STEP 1 and I should turn around and run in the other direction. But, mind over matter, I'm still running toward the light.

Not to say that I most likely failed the pharm board and won't have to worry about turning tail and running because the pharmacology dept will yank on my bungee and pull me right where I belong. Taking pharm over again. Well, maybe not the whole class. I can see them making me re-take that stupid board because I'm estimating my grade to be a whopping 25 when usual boards are around 500. ugh. If I had known to just study mechanisms vs. I don't know, CLINICAL RELEVANCE, then maybe I could have broken triple digits. Ugh, I hate pharm. Radiology it is!

Today begins STEP 1 study intensity. I will be spending the next 30 days in the classroom wing trying to cram 2 years worth of info BACK into my head. Wish me luck!

Until next time!

Disbelief

Did I really just finish up my M2 year? Did I really take my last professor based test yesterday? Did I really pass all of my classes (pathology isn't in yet, but I don't think I did terribly bad on the test)? Do I seriously only have 4 boards and 1 STEP exam standing between me and basically being a doctor? I feel like I'm in some weird dreamy haze and will snap out of it any minute.

I'm very excited about the next 2 weeks. True, I have 4 boards, but those in general are never as bad to me. I just do a bunch of rapid review or BRS questions and I usually feel prepared. My calendar is actually pretty jam packed, with my first adventure on Wed Night. I'll be making some bean soup for me and a couple of friends. Then, the next night I have my friend's bachelorette/wedding shower thing. unfortunately I can't go out with them after the present/food party, because I have the behavioral health board that next morning. Then I think it's puppy party? I need to check the date on that so I don't miss it! I also need to figure out what I want to bring! Then, on April 29 I'll be out for one last hurrah before locking myself away for a full 4 weeks. I will have to study hardcore for STEP since I haven't completely started yet. But it will be ok, I'm sure the 4 weeks I've given myself will be more than plenty.

It's still really hard to believe that I'm almost completely done with my second year in med school. It's all just really flown by. Soon, it'll be time for step, I'll be on rotations, then I'll be figuring out what I want to do FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. wow. just...wow.

Alright, time to go make some good brunch for myself. I'm thinking something omelette like. maybe some potato hash browns? or some fruit. I haven't decided.

Hope everyone has a fabulous day!

Juggling Really Sharp Knives

Right now there's some Eastern European doctor lecturing about nephrology. I can't understand him and he talks about two shades over a whisper. So I'm doing my internetting.

So this weekend my USMLE world opened up. I was doing ok when I was picking the subjects I liked...embryology, histology, genetics. But when I went to the random questions from all subjects, then I started getting depressed. I guess I'm not that bad off considering I haven't looked at first year materials yet. Plus, I still have time.

I'm over psychiatry. Give me my 70 and fuck off. I don't care anymore. I'm also over test block, and I hate pharmacology with a passion. I'm tired of memorizing drugs. Prev med is ok and biostats is growing on me. I love pathology so it doesn't bother me much. I'm ready to be an M3. I'm tired of sitting and rotting behind a computer screen.

I'm anxious about 3rd year schedules. I really don't care about the order. I'll have to do it all eventually. I just hope hope hope I get in with a good group. I wrote down all the people I'd rather not have to deal with next year, and it came up to 20 people. Some were a total NO, others were a they're not so bad but I'd just rather not. So worst case scenerio, I get 14 of those 20 in a group. And I just have to swap. Or, best case, my praying will work out and I'll get in with a good group. Cross your fingers for wed!

My lent list is growing. I've decided to stop the dessert desserts. Like cookies, cake, ice cream...that stuff. I have a horrible sweet tooth and the past week that's all I've wanted. I really need to get a grip. So this will help with my self control. Even though I'm starting late, I don't think The Big Guy minds. haha.

Also, my running regimen is going well. I came down with a cold during my first official week, and took about 3 days off. So I just repeated the first week again. So I'm a week behind the estimated schedule, but I'm ok with that. I'll start my second week today and it looks tough. Even though, I'm really excited about being able to one day call myself a runner. I've always wanted to. I'm starting to just go for things I've always wanted instead of letting excuses and pre-conceived notions of myself stop me anymore.

I feel like I don't see anyone anymore. Between everything academically and now trying to fit in gym and running, I've become very selfish with my time. It's like with everything going on, I'm constantly juggling everything. Although, I like my me time. I miss my friends. I hope no one takes offense and realize that once step is over, and hopefully pass, the hospital may eat me but I should have weekends off. I keep trying to tell myself it'll get better. As of right now, it has. Oh well, long live the nerd hole!