My Defense Mechanisms

So, I have about 16 days and counting until I take the USMLE STEP 1 exam. I basically spend all day either doing USMLE world questions or reading my First Aid. Of course, that's all accompanied by at least 1 freak out per day. Whether it's because I got a 30% on a question block that has a 56% average, or I take a NBME practice test and make a 186, or I take the USMLE world assessment test and realize I do worse the second time around on subjects I dominated the first time. Plus, 2 weeks of intense preparation have resulted in minimal progress (read: probably by chance)

So, I have decided that I engage in several primative (immature) and less primative (mature) defense mechanisms.

1. Acting out-unacceptable feelings and thoughts are expressed through actions. Example: tantrums. This is what I do at least once a day when I become frustrated with myself and the fact I suck at med school.

2. Denial-avoidance of awareness of some painful reality. Example: I tell myself that these tests are hard on purpose to scare us into studying and I really don't know THAT little. This happens shortly after my tantrum and help me take some deep breaths so I can get back to studying. Surely I don't do that bad on step. Will I?

3. Regression-Turning back the maturation clock and going back to earlier modes of dealing with the world. Example: crying. well, I'm not much of a cryer, but I have had some tears well up lately

4. Suppression-voluntary withholding of an idea or feeling from conscious awareness. Example: choosing not to think about the exam until the week of it. I try not to think about it, or think about how little I apparently know. I think Denial feeds this in my head and vice versa.

So there you go. I have admitted that studying for STEP has made me completely bat shit crazy (probably more on that to come) and we all learned of different defense mechanisms including real-life examples.

Thanks for playing.